Va-Va-Voom Santa In Another Fine Mess Over Unpaid Speedtrap Tickets
'It's time he was taught a lesson!' warns Prime Minister
Concerns were raised at a special European Community summit yesterday over claims that Santa Claus owes thousands of pounds in unpaid speeding fines. Claus, 52, the genial CEO of an international charity, was not present at the summit where it was revealed that he avoids paying fines for hundreds of motoring offences - by hiding behind his Diplomatic Immunity. Claus came in for especially fierce criticism from the French and British Prime Ministers.
Santa is also accused of breaching civil aviation rules in a number of countries. If those countries decide to ban him from using their airspace, that could mean no presents this year for hundreds of thousands of people worldwide.
Santa has also come under fire from health watchdogs. They say he sets a bad example by eating a mince pie at every house during his annual Christmas Eve delivery rounds. According to a recent article submitted to The Lancet, Santa is clinically obese and needs to lose at least seventy pounds in weight if he is to avoid long-term health problems. He has a BMI (body mass index) far in excess of what is normal for a man of his height, said a consultant.
Santa is also said to have a small alcoholic drink at every house on Christmas Eve. But experts say Santa has probably exaggerated the amount he drinks in order to enhance his image. Anti drink-driving groups however, say Santa should not drink any alcohol at all during his deliveries. It gives the wrong impression to younger drivers, they believe.
But by far the biggest criticism of Mr Claus has come from his own hardworking staff. Claus spends most of the year in Florida and the Bahamas relaxing and downing exotic cocktails in beach bars. He likes nothing more than a good game of beach volleyball, said a friend. But while Claus is living the good life, hundreds of elves are working twelve hour shifts at his North Pole packing plant, getting ready for the Christmas Eve delivery run. They are appalled that Claus takes all the credit whilst they get virtually none. "You've never seen Santa with poo on his boots. You know why? Because we are the ones who clean out the reindeer, not him", said one elf who preferred to remain anonymous.
Whatever Santa's faults might be, it is clear that he desperately needs to do something to improve his image. He may have managed to stave off the threat of strike action by staff last year. He was certainly very good at keeping the news quiet. But even the man in red can't keep it up forever. Whatever happens next, there's one thing for sure. It will affect us all.
