The Easy Way To Beat Your Addiction To Teddy Bears

If teddy bears are taking over your life, don't worry: help may not be far away.

Arctophiles Anonymous

They might have sweet expressions and soft cuddly features, but, to paraphrase a famous pop song, "they've been the ruin of many a poor soul."

Yes, as (to interior designers) brown is the new black, so teddy bears are the new booze. However, a series of simple but effective measures pioneered by Arctophiles Anonymous promises to rid you of your teddy bear addiction very quickly.

The 12-Step Program for Recovering Arctophiles

  1. Admit to yourself that you have a problem with teddy bear addiction. The most important step on your road to bear-free living is a making a full commitment to following the 12-Step program.
  2. Teddy bears are master hypnotists. They use their beady eyes to captivate addicts. To break the spell, simply take a paper bag and place it upside down on the bear's head. You may wish to secure it with tape, just to be on the safe side.
  3. Most addicts have a large number of bears. Going 'cold turkey' (or 'cold bear') seldom works. Beat your addiction by removing one bear at a time from your collection until you have overcome their hold over you.
  4. You must reduce the emotional bond that has developed between you and your bears. Do this by changing your teddy-related routine. Start by putting them in a different place from where you usually keep them. Instead of giving them pride of place by your bed, take one and throw it (not 'him') in a cardboard box or put it away in a dusty drawer until you get to Step 12.
  5. Reduce the amount of time you talk to your teddies. Cut down on the amount of familiarity that is the hallmark of the teddy bear addict. From now on there must be no more of the 'Hello Mister Squidgy' baloney. Get tough. If you must talk, say something like 'Hello, you fluffy b*stard.' Or 'Howdy, asshole!' Works every time. Guaranteed.
  6. Stop talking to your bears altogether. By this stage those inane 'conversations' and little squeaky voices must cease.
  7. Bears create clutter in your life. They take up real, physical room. They waste dozens of cubic feet of precious shelf-space. We highly recommend our patent Bear Kompressor™ (available from Arctophiles Anonymous for the bargain price of only £49.99 or in twelve monthly instalments). Compressed bears can do wonders in helping teddy addicts to free themselves from their torment. (All major credit cards accepted.)
  8. Do not, under any circumstances, buy bears, however small, as presents for other people. Not even on Valentine's Day. Recovering addicts often try to cheat by enjoying bears 'by proxy' in this manner. It is only a short step from here to a full relapse. And besides, by getting a bear as a gift you might unwittingly be creating a new addict. It is better by far not to start down this road at all.
  9. Don't buy other kinds of cuddly toy instead of teddy bears. This never works. Similar kinds of displacement activity are also frowned upon by Arctophiles Anonymous. Things like collecting tea cosies or duvet covers with teddy bear motifs. Just stop it. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it.
  10. Don't stand and furtively stare at teddy bears in shop windows; you are only prolonging your own agony. And don't go down to the woods today. And no picnics either. Total abstinence is the only safe way.
  11. Put your bears out with the rubbish. Don't indulge in any long good-byes. Just bin 'em. Don't give them to a charity shop, otherwise you may be tempted to go and buy them back. Worse, the shop might sell them to another recovering addict. Or -- worstest -- they might be exported en masse as donations to the Third World, and haven't those poor countries got enough problems without having a load of bears dumped on them?
  12. As a last (and permanent) resort, notwithstanding the short-term effect on the local environment and the probable lasting contribution to global pollution that you will inevitably be making: Burn them!
    1. This final step works best if accompanied by lots of whooping and hollering, throwing of hats in the air, and the ritual (and preferably loud) playing of Arthur Brown's rock classic 'Fire'.

Relapsed?

Help for recovering arctophiles is available 24/7. Just contact your local branch of Arctophiles Anonymous, who will be glad to offer any assistance required.

Catalogue

Don't forget to order your copy of the Arctophiles Anonymous Christmas catalogue: Lots of gifts for him and her. And not a teddy bear in sight.